Peace at Last!

A month is long enough to settle and it has been just over that since my last post.

There is no special reason why I have not written, at least, on Comforting Words as I have been on my next favourite place every day sometimes even twice per day. That place is Facebook – but that is another story.

Anyone who has every left a job and had to participate in an exit interview knows that that can be a mixed bag. The exit interview I had with the “head honcho” at the institution I left in April to move to southern Alberta was, to say the least, unremarkable. Except for one question, it is as if the conversation did not happen.

That one question, however, and my response to it were anticipatory to my coming across this quote from an unknown author:

“Having spent the better part of my life trying either to relive the past or experience the future before it arrives, I have come to believe that in between these two extremes is peace.”

What a concept! Peace.

A bond that tied my last supervisor (at least one of them) and I was the fact that we thrived on chaos. After a ‘crisis’ on the unit where we worked, we would often look at each other and smile. When it first happened I was not so sure what it meant other than “phew, that was something!”

One day we got to talking about our lives and we both quickly realized that we smiled in recognition that what seemed as a ‘crisis’ was ‘normal’ for us. Our childhood and adolescent years, you see, were characterized by chaos and the daily drama was more impetus to our creativity rather than a damper to our spirit.

Things did not change much as we grew older and got into serious dating, got married or hooked up with long term partners. Our combined lives had so much chaos – the energy could power a category 5 hurricane!

So when this interviewer asked me whether I was fearful or had any doubts about moving away from Edmonton, Alberta – the city that I had began to call home after almost six years living there – my immediate response was “no.”

As I have written here – I love moving. In addition to that, I told her that I was in fact viewing the move as severing the last string that tied me to a past that had died so quickly and violently (emotionally).

This move signified freedom from the ghosts that refused to leave the stage of my life, lingering insidiously, trying unsuccessfully to bring me down to a level I was way beyond.

Calgary, Alberta is commonly referred to as “cow town” by their not so loving northern neighbours in Edmonton. I have been here over a month now and have yet to see either cows or wranglers on the streets. We are a couple weeks away from the famous – at least in Western Canada – Calgary Stampede and I suspect that will be my first encounter with the ranch hands and their livestock.

Truth be told – I love living here!

There are several reasons for that not least of which is I “see myself” every day without having to go to a specialty store or some ghetto-like area.

Statistically, the visible minority population is about the same as Edmonton – maybe even less in some categories. Maybe it is the side of town that we chose to live but I just seem to see more people of African descent on a daily basis than I ever did in Edmonton. And no, we do not live on the side of the city that is known for its “ethnic” population and there are those.

That might seem strange to some of you, that ‘seeing me’ is such a big thing but when you live in a country where one ethnic group forms the majority and wield all the power and privilege then you would understand.

The other reason I like living here, a part from the fact that we have a really nice condo, is that Calgary is so close to the mountains and British Columbia, it is fairly close to the United States border, and the types of recreational activities that I enjoy.

I found that in Edmonton, aside from the so-called cultural and other festivals, the cinemas and the world's largest, the enormous
West Edmonton Mall – there was little to do that did not include being inebriated. This is not to say that there are no drunkards in Calgary but I just do not feel that it is my only option other than shopping.

Last week, Robert and I took a day trip to Banff, Alberta – one of my favourite places in western Canada. It took us less than 90 minutes to get there. We got there in time for lunch, walked around, did a little touristy shopping and had supper after spending a wonderful day under the snow capped Rocky Mountains.

It was on the drive back from Banff that this strange feeling washed over me. It is one I had been feeling – in varying degrees of intensity – but could not name it. As we drove home, Robert said to me “look over there!” I turned in the direction he was pointing and saw what seemed to me to be one of the brightest and most brilliant rainbows I ever seen.

Peace! I am at peace for the first time in my 43 years.

I have a life worth living – always did but never realized until I almost lost it a couple years ago.

I have a beautiful daughter who is doing her best to become the woman she is meant to be.

I have a home – finally – that is not characterized by fear and negativity.

I have a career – a second one – that came to me by ‘accident’ but has all the components I prayed for – helping people in difficult circumstances to redefine and create a live that they consider worth living. And I am paid very well to do what I love!

When my previous relationship ended and I was lost, my spiritual advisors reminded me that I should write out, ask the Universe for what I need in all aspects of my life. I did a medicine wheel, making my requests known to the Master Mind in the four areas of life – Physical, Emotional, Mental and Spiritual.

In terms of relationship, I prayed for someone who had fully experienced life in these 4 areas. I prayed for someone who had been knocked down by life (as I had been several times), who had to pick themselves up, scrape themselves off the wall and start over.

This person would be scarred but not scared; bruised but not bitter; knows what it feels like to be betrayed to the point that they are utterly faithful and so in love with hope that they, without thinking, extended their hands and heart to others.

I think I have found the one. We are still learning each other, sometimes slowly, sometimes with passionate feelings and discourse but always with honesty, openness and love.

Calgary has come to mean so much to me – a new life, a fresh start, a path to financial liberty but more so a place where Peace has become my roommate!

Is it not wonderful to wake up each day, knowing that you are going to help at least one person before the evening sun? Is it not awesome to know that whatever may go awry in your life on any given day, there is such trust and open communication in your relationship that all is and will be well indeed!

I think it is the greatest thing in life to go to bed at sundown with a clear conscience – no matter how much money is or is not in your bank account – knowing that you caused no harm. And if you did, you were big enough to say “I am sorry.”

I dearly miss my few friends – Anni and the boys – who are still in Edmonton. We still speak frequently and they are on my telephone list of 'favs’ which allows me to talk as long as we want without thought of cost. In fact, one couple also moved to Calgary and another one might soon be on the way!

Marie Louise De Le Ramee wrote, “Could we see when and where we are to meet again, we would be more tender when we bid our friends goodbye.”

Goodbye Edmonton and I wish you all well who sojourned with me. I thank, bless and love you for giving me the space to take one step closer to being who I am becoming.

Blessings,


Claudette

Pray It Forward

I had not planned on writing before settling down in Calgary but as the saying goes “the only thing that is constant is change.”

Hold up in a hotel room in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan for two weeks now with one more to go, I was bored to tears. I am here, en route to Calgary, participating in training for the position I have been promoted to and will assume in a couple of weeks.

Robert left a couple days ago returning to Edmonton to oversee the moving of our belongings. He came out here to provide chauffeur services as my 3-week training was interrupted by my having to appear in court back in Edmonton last Tuesday.

I was at first angry at having to do the 10 hours of driving that was involved. However, recognizing that I had to fulfill my civic duty, Robert made the 1000+ kilometer trip twice to get me to court and back to Saskatoon. What a man!

Now spending my second weekend in Saskatoon and again on my own I was at a lost as to what to do. Earlier today I was complaining in text messages to Robert how there is not much to do. Edmonton is often referred to as “Deadmonton” but Saskatoon is a killer!

In one of those messages I confessed to Robert that I was just now feeling the after effect of my court appearance. One of his many sage advices to me was to write a post, having learned in a short time how cathartic writing is for me.

So here I am writing but it was not primarily due to Robert’s suggestion. Two things prompted me to write – an email and a movie.

This was not the first time I was watching “Pay It Forward,” however, my previous viewings were always interrupted. When I saw the promotions for it and with my full agenda (ha-ha) for the day, I made a note of the time and set my alarm to ensure that I did not miss it.

Some of the details of “Pay It Forward,” were new to me but the bottom-line I clearly remembered – ‘be kind’, ‘do random acts of kindness’, and ‘look out for each other’.

As with the previous viewings, I cried at the end when the 7th grade hero, Trevor, was murdered by a similarly aged school mate as he went to the aid of a classmate who was being bullied.

Still tearful, I went to my computer to check email – another one of the fun activities on my ‘To Do’ list for this day. And there it was – my second motivation to write.

Using a fictitious name, the sender simply typed in the subject line “Good riddance Bitch.”

My breath caught momentarily at the venom and hatred that was embodied in this email. I did what I had to do to track the message and then closed the programme.

Why? Why do we feel a need to hurt each other? Why was this message necessary?

These were some of the questions in my mind as I thought about this email and the sender. Clearly they are happy at the news of my leaving Edmonton, Alberta but should that not have been enough? Why was it necessary to try to spread their venom?

Human nature is so strange. I should know because I am one and through my career I daily witness what hatred, maliciousness and self-loathing does to my sisters and brothers of all stripes.

My dogs, Angello and Marley, must have sensed the emotions that I was wrestling to control and both jumped up on our temporary bed and snuggled beside me.

They paid it forward. Their actions reminded me to stop and pray.

Sometimes that is all we need to do to “pray it forward.” Pray for those who would wish or cause us harm. Pray when you feel like causing harm or even retaliating.

And so I pray – for blessings and love for my friends – old and new. I pray for my loved ones – near and far, and I pray for would be enemies that they may find peace.

One more week in Saskatoon and on to my new life in Calgary!

Walk good all of you until then.

Blessings,


Claudette

Making Room in Our Lives

This might sound weird but I have to say I love moving.

As a child and over the years my family has changed places of residence so many times that I look forward to the “newness” that comes with relocating. The thought of decorating a new place gives me a rush that others get from substances or fast cars.

Similarly to those seeking a rush from these other activities I spend on my brand of excitement. My favourite purchases are mats, rugs and sometimes even appliances to match the new décor – not to mention the bathroom stuff! I am notorious for buying things for the bathroom.

So here I am again in 2008 in the final throes of preparing for my next move. This time although not crossing any oceans or seas, the move will take me a fair distance away from my daughter and the place that I have just started to think of as home – from Edmonton to Calgary, Alberta.

For someone who has moved twice on the same street in less than two years you would think that this latest move would cause no pain.

Wrong!

On Friday amidst 6 blue recycling bags bursting to their seams with papers that I accumulated over the last several years; papers that now seem useless the tears were rolling down my face.

Unlike other moves, this one is easy in terms of the physical labour. Regular readers will recall the ‘adventures’ of a not so recent move of mine when a con artist of a moving man left my family and I stranded. Well this move will not require me to either personally hire movers or even pack anything really – unless I have a deep desire to do the latter myself.

This time around as it is work that is taking me away to another city, my employer is arranging (and paying for) everything – from contracting the movers to the packing and unpacking of my delicates – if I am so inclined.

Despite the challenge of moving away from my almost 21 year old baby girl, I am still able to recognize the upside of moving. One of these is – and something that I would highly recommend and wish I would do without the moving – the chance it gives you to de-clutter.

No matter how often I move there always seem to be an abundance of junk that I have accumulated – mostly paper and trinkets. I love to collect paper and hate to throw it out. Every meeting, every office, every event that I attend and they have scribbling on a piece of paper I will collect it and take it home for some future reference that rarely ever happens.

On the rare occasion that I do go through my files, drawers, old suitcases or storage containers to de-clutter without having to move, I will find a reason to keep every scrap of paper. It takes a monumental reason for me to part with that important phrase that I wrote on a hand-out at a retreat 10 years ago.

That reason is usually moving and particularly moving into a place of great distance, such as when we left Jamaica for Canada almost 6 years ago. Hence on Friday as I went through the last couple of suitcases I was re-reading and having a hard time deciding to throw out journals, letters and handouts from 2000 – and even some of Abigail’s exercise books from Grade 2!

My emotional response to de-cluttering is real as I was parting with more than paper – it was the letting go of the physical memory that each scrap held that was challenging. The fact that I could not simply go back whenever I wanted to and pull out a box and relive times past was what hurt. It felt like I was saying good bye to old friends.

However, now that the apartment is cleared of the unnecessary clutter and even of significant pieces of furniture that held memories that it was time to let go the pain has gone. This is precisely what de-cluttering one’s space does – it literally frees up space and more importantly it also frees up your energy.

Usually once I get past the clinging and all the ‘stuff’ is gone to the dump, like the truckload that I dispatched on Saturday morning, a feeling of exhilaration overtakes me. Yes, there is some fear of what life in this new place and city will bring; fear about being all of 3 hours drive away for my baby girl and some anxiety about my new job.

Yet, there is much more space in my life right now – space for new experiences, new memories and even new growing pains. Truth be told you do not have to wait to physically move to experience this openness. A literal and/or mental de-cluttering can and ought to be done once we begin to feel bogged down with ‘stuff’ that threaten to cut natural breathing off.

There is a saying – “Nature abhors a vacuum,” and what it means is wherever there is space it will automatically be filled and it will be filled with what your heart desires.

Therefore two things one need to do are (1) always be making space in your life – literally and metaphorically empty yourself. Secondly, be careful what you wish for as that new space will be filled with your true desires (not the ones you tell people, the ones you hold in secret).

Creating space can be hard for some. It takes either a swift kick or that big relocation for the stubborn ones to let go of the clutter. What I have learned and therefore can advice is that when your kick or move appears - do not resist but embrace the pain of saying good bye to your treasure trove of junk.

The ‘rush’ that you will experience from being opened up and with room for more and seeing how the Universe (or Nature) will fill that space is worth it!

I know this for sure because I am living it now.

Blessings until I get to Calgary!



Claudette

Work It!

Years ago I heard this phrase and it evoked mixed feelings in me.

“It works if you work it!”

The cynic in me at the time thought it was just one of those things that people say to feel good. I was supported in this thought by my then partner who scoffed every time it was said or I brought home a piece of reading material that made reference to the idea.

However, after my first months as a regular attendant at the Universal Centre of Truth for Better Living in Kingston, Jamaica back in 2000 the idea “it works if you work it,” started to make sense to me on all levels.

Johnnie Coleman, founder and then head of the parent church – Universal Foundation for Better Living – was credited with espousing this idea. Several publications were, and probably still are available, with her testimonies as to how she worked “it.”

Initially, I was not too sure what the ‘it’ was. It took several months of literally sitting at the feet of the senior minister, Reverend Sheila McKeithen, and a woman who would later become not only my Bible teacher but mentor and woman-friend – Reverend Dr. Phyllis Green.

What these women, and others over time, taught me was basically what has become a fad for some in the last couple of years.

The Secret – was no secret to me by the time it was on Oprah. The Law of Attraction – the basic principle of The Secret is what Reverends McKeithen and Green taught me. The ‘it’ I learned was the law of “what you think about, you bring about.”

Ever since learning that principle, I have tried to be mindful of my thoughts (a Buddhist approach to life that I also learnt at this Christian church). My rate of success varied from dismal to overwhelmingly wonderful.

Many a stories I could tell about my ‘working’ the principle, not least of which would be how I got my permanent resident status to Canada against what then seemed like insurmountable odds. All I will say is that that was the first time two years after learning the principle that I was spooked!

For almost 8 years now I have continued “working it,” and it has never failed me.

Even in those moments when my life experiences could not seem more horrible – I was working it. You see, it is true that what you think about you bring about. Maybe it would be better to say whatever you think about – healthy or unhealthy – it will most certainly be your experience. I have proven and continue to prove that.


On the night of December 31, 2006 into the morning of January 1, 2007 I decided to do a collage. Being a somewhat visual learner, making a collage of my goals and desires for the New Year was my way of focusing my thoughts on a picture of new life for myself.

Regular readers might easily recognize this period as the first festive season after the traumatic and devastating end of my then 16-year relationship. While most people were out partying, I was at home literally struggling to make sense of my life. How to reconstruct a future from the heap of rumble that I was in the midst of was the biggest question facing me.

With limited reasoning ability, a weakened physical state having lost over 30+ pounds in less than two months and emotionally and mentally broken, by December 2006 I was slowly beginning to turn my full attention to the teachings of my spiritual reawakening for guidance.

Visualization is a major part of ‘working’ the Law of Attraction and so early the morning of January 1, 2007 I had a poster board and all the ‘O” and Chatelaine magazines in my house spread out on my bed.

I, my health, a home, a career, friendships, travelling and relationships were the main themes for me. I cut and pasted every picture and word that resonated with these parts of my life that I wanted to rebuild and/or nurture.

Fast forward to December 31, 2007 and I was doing the same thing – ‘working’ the Law of Attraction. I took down the collage I had made a year before and reviewed my journey in 2007.

Some things had manifested among which were:
• I was experiencing the best state of health in over 14 years. I am diabetic, have thyroid disease and have struggled with my eating habits (rather addiction) for most of my life but particularly throughout the years of my then relationship. By December 2007, my doctor was saying that my sugar levels remained the best ever in 17 years!

• I had ‘accidentally’ landed into a career path that would have been my last prediction. Prior to migrating to Canada, I had decided that after 10 years in communications and marketing it was no longer the path for me. My sense was that ministry, particularly spiritual counseling was what I wanted to spend the rest of my life doing. So soon after ‘settling’ in my new country, I entered that stream by enrolling for my second Master’s degree in Theological Studies. However by January 2007, Life was leading me to deeper involvement in the criminal justice system with a semi-permanent job at a women’s correctional facility!

• With a break up you lose relationships and even communities. This was probably the hardest part for me – saying goodbye to people who had played a role in my life over the years and to fairly new friendships. What I received in their stead however was a core group of friends who had encircled me during what was the most emotionally challenging period of my life. Those people – women, men, gay, straight and in-between – wiped my tears and kicked my butt through 2007 and for them I am most grateful.

As I reviewed my 2007 collage, I realized that there were things that were still outstanding and even with those that had manifested additional ‘working’ was necessary. So I decided not to re-invent the wheel but refine the collage for 2008.

Though not as spooked as I was back in 2002 when my visa was ‘miraculously’ delivered 4 days after I was told it would take at least 9 more months, the manifestations to date remain awesome.

Not only have I continued to remain in good health, my friendships continue to deepen and widen and my career is taking me to unanticipated places. Over the last few months, I have travelled to a few cities across Canada both on work related training and for my volunteer positions.


Some of the most notable manifestations have been the major improvement in my relationship with my mother, the level and depth of self-love and healing that has occurred within me and the beauty of my personal space.

Possibly the most ‘spooky’ manifestations have been the appearance of Robert in my life and the new job that I will assume next month (April 2008) that will have me moving from Edmonton, Alberta. What is breath-taking about these (and all of the others manifestations) is the ease with which they came once I stopped obsessing about them and surrendered to the Higher Power.

Those who have read or seen the DVD of “The Secret” will understand that this “it” – the Law of Attraction – does not require any religious conviction but only a belief and an understanding that whatever you focus on – consciously or unconsciously – will be your experience.

For too long, I like many of you have lived my life unconsciously, believing that my experiences and the manifestation in my life were the luck of the draw. Nothing could be further from the truth.

There are truly no accidents in life – even the abuse that I have endured. This is probably the most challenging aspect of the Law for many people. I know it was for me – understanding and accepting that all the forms of abuse that occurred in my life were learning moments for the journey.

What I have come to learn is that 'choice' – my power to choose – is what makes the difference. I could choose to focus on the anguish and hurt that occurred in my life or I could choose to acknowledge and accept that harm was done to me and then use the experience as fodder for my growth.

That is a hard lesson to learn – no doubt about it. The last column in Oprah’s magazine is entitled “What I Know for Sure,” and what I do know for sure, after years of experimenting is “It works if you work it.”

Nothing I have written here – and at any time – is meant to brag, boast or proselytize. Explaining her mission, Reverend McKeithen once said her role is to lay a buffet, with all the teachings she has learned and invite us all to the table. It was our choice to take what we wanted and leave the rest.

As Reverend McKeithen modeled for me, I too am merely setting a table with my experiences. Take what you will. My only addendum is that I honestly believe in personal testimonies and this is mine.

“It works if you work it!”

Blessings,


Claudette

Meet Marley

I know this might seem silly but who cares!

After a leisurely morning and breakfast, Robert and I decided to drive out to Bruderheim, a small town about an hour outside of Edmonton to meet Angello's children.

Regular readers will recall the story about Angello's first and only encounter.

Well that produced 4 offsprings - three girls and one boy.

The deal with my friend, the gentle giant whose name incidentally is also Robert, was that the pick of the litter would be mine. "If you decide not to keep it, then you will get whatever amount of money it's sold for," Robert assured me.

At the time of making this deal, I had mixed feelings about whether to keep my pup or sell it. "The money would be nice," I thought, given how much I had recently paid and continue to pay for medical/veterinary care for Angello.

Abigail, my daughter, from the outset thought I should keep the pup. In fact, she toyed with the idea of taking one herself but quickly realised that she could not - her apartment does not allow pets and she really is not up to the responsibility.

As the mother went into labour, the gentle giant called me. "Sapphire is having puppies," he declared. For the next 5 - 7 hours, I called every hour on the hour, just as I did the day Angello was trying to get the deed done.

After the first two were born, I declared to my friend, "the third one is mine."


Well fate would have it that the third was not only a male but the only one in the litter. To top it off, of the four pups the mother finally delivered, the third was the only one that totally resembled Angello!

In that moment I knew my boy was not for sale.

Few weeks passed and my career path begun to take a curve - with the possibility of me moving to another town increasing. Robert and I have been discussing the implications of this on our relationship - some days practically and on other days emotionally charged.

With things still up in the air - "living in the grey" I like to call it - we decided to drive out this afternoon to see the dogs.

Just as it was 8 years ago with his Dad, once I laid eyes on him I knew that he was coming home with me - wherever that will end up being.

Robert obviously felt the same way as he took so many pictures and was cooing over him (and the others) like he is the Dad!

On the drive home we talked about names. I had come up with Junior - got it? Angello Junior? Abigail did not think it so cool a name and Robert shared her opinion.

So I allowed myself to be overruled and Robert named him Marley. His argument for that is that the pup is part Jamaican and that name is almost synonymous with my country of origin. Please forgive him - he's fully Canadian but he's cute :)

Meet Marley. He is cute too.

Life is good and miracles do happen.

And we are going shopping for the puppy next week :)

Blessings,

Claudette

How I Love Him!

It has been awhile.

Over a month and I have not written a word much less a post for this blog.

Blame this on the man.

No, no. Not the one I am dating.

Yes, I am officially and exclusively (at least for now) dating someone – a guy who came into my life just after I gave up!

Is it not strange how the Universe works? The moment you surrender, the thing you were seeking the most appears.

The Universe also has this incredible sense of humour. Sometimes I wonder if God is a comedian!

The moment I wrote and declared that I was done with the man-thing and certainly frustrated with the fallacy of the dating scene, not only did the Universe produce someone for me but he came with the same surname as my ex partner!

Yes, it is true – the same surname and born the same month. The silver lining though is that he is a Sagittarian – one of the most compatible signs for an Aquarian (me).

Anyhow, that is not the man who has caused me to not write for a month. Barack Obama is the cause of that.

At first I was all into the woman-thing, in more ways than one, supporting Hillary Clinton. However, my virtual vote swung the more I listened to Obama. The deal was sealed when my current date sent me the full “Yes, We Can,” speech.

Now Robert, yes that is his name, and I are glued to the television every debate and primary night doing our own analysis. Honestly, if there was a way for us to legally vote – we would go down to our neighbours in the South and cast ours.

My reason for being so excited by the idea of Obama really has nothing to do with his African heritage, although the historical significance of it is not lost on me.

I am supporting Obama for the sense of hope; those words and big ideas that make even me at a distance feel the energy of “Yes, We Can.”

Looking back on the trajectory of my life – it is exactly Hope that has taken me this far and that wakes me up every morning. There were days when giving up felt the easiest thing to do but through the Hope of others – what they saw in me – I made it through.

Many are skeptical about this word but the power of Hope is undeniable.

Recently Oprah Winfrey named to her Book Club a title that I bought on sale months ago for Cdn$6.99. “A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose,” by Ekhart Tolle. The book attracted me not because of the obviously devalued tag but I was very familiar with the author’s work, namely his book “The Power of Now.”

The book is not an easy read. The concepts embodied in it most certainly will be scoffed at by many. Actually, nothing that is written in the book is new, however, like Obama’s words of hope and inspiration, this book is an invitation to become the best human beings we can be.

Just over a week ago, I celebrated my 43rd birthday, in the company of close friends. As they ate and drank, I said a silent prayer of thanks for those in the room and those not present who, through their words, their deep sense of hope and their willingness went an extra hundred miles with me. It was on the back of their Hope that I won the struggle to re-create myself.

I also said thanks for Robert who appeared when least expected and who challenges me and who is willing to be challenged to become - as Bishop Spong best describes it – "fully human."

However the Obama’s race for the presidency turns out or however long or short my relationship (it feels wonderfully strange to be using that word in this context) lasts is unimportant.

Every day as I watch him on television, I say thank you God for people like Barrack Obama and my friends who, through their willingness to stand and be counted, are helping to awaken the young, the old and the in-between disenfranchised, marginalized, hurting and disillusioned people – like I once was – to Hope and dream again.

Yes, We Can indeed!

Blessings,

Claudette

Photograph courtesy of Anni’s camera :) Finally, readers get to put a face to the name of my woman-friend who has been beside me through good times and growing times.

DOF 5: Sex on My Mind

I really should be packing at this time or at least reading the book sent to me in preparation for the meetings.

Since last night, I have been trying to rally myself to focus on the things I need to do in order to catch my red eye flight to Toronto and be reasonably intelligent at the 4-day long meeting I am attending.

My list of to do’s look something like this:
 Get Angello stuff together to take him to the kennel
 Do some laundry to have enough clothes to take with me (I am one of those persons who pack for every minute of the day when going on a trip!)
 Read at least the highlighted chapters of the book the meeting planners sent to you
 Water the plants and fill up the fountain
 Call Dr. B and make sure he remembers to pick up Angello from the kennel as scheduled
 Change email notification at work so that people know you are away for a few days and not waiting for responses from you
 Start packing so that there is no last minute rush

Well, it is now Wednesday morning and except for calling Dr. B, everything else will be done on the fly!

Why am I procrastinating? That is not my usual style but I have other things on my mind, give me a break.

What could be so important that all these very urgent things are left undone?

Sex.

I have sex on my mind.

This all started with a smile last week. Well, actually the smiles have been coming for a couple weeks now but only last week I smiled back. And now, my ‘to do’ list is getting shafted as sex has taken over my focus.

Three of my friends upon reading this post will be laughing but will also know what this is all about as I called them to get their opinion on – sex.

Let me explain.

Regular readers know that I have been doing a series on Dating Over Forty – DOF I like to call it. My interest in doing this series, which started at the prompting of my man-friend Lance, really has to do with my continuing commitment to share my journey. If sharing my story helps one – I am way satisfied.

Speaking of satisfied let me get back to the main point – sex.

So here I am a woman DOF, who is using all the available resources that allow someone of my age and newly single to get back into the dating scene. Being totally averse to the bar and club scenes, the internet has been a valuable resource for me –so too have been a couple friends who have been trying to hook me up.

Now at forty, with a 20 year old daughter, have travelled a fair portion of the world, been through ‘stuff’ – both healthy and not so healthy – divorced and ‘dumped’ – I have been around the block a few times one could safely say.

Therefore imagine my surprise when I received this smile and finally decided to smile back only to later learn that the individual do not believe in sex outside of marriage!

Being as I am truly practicing not being judgmental – lest I be judged – I put aside my immediate reaction which was “You f….. liar! That’s just a nice line to get l… .” Yes, unfortunately, my vocabularly is limited sometimes and my place of employment has helped to colour it even further :(

All non-judgmental I pursued the conversation, only to find that the individual was serious! Themselves over 40 years old, divorced with kids, this person seriously wanted to date for whatever period, then marry and only after marriage have sex. I asked, “Are you serious,” probably sounding like some randy sl.. but who cared? I could not believe what I was hearing.

“Yes, I stand on the biblical teachings on this issue!” was the forceful response I got. This stumped me even further as the individual had only minutes before listened to my entire life story – gore and all – and said they were cool with my journey. It just was not making sense to me.

How can you be such a biblically righteous person and be cool with a woman whose journey included rape, battering, pre-martial sex, same-sex relationship and consensual sex outside of marriage, yet would hold a hard-line (pun intended) on fornication?

I quickly ended the conversation, saying “Okay, I have to go now, talk to you later,” and for the rest of the day played this conversation over and over in my head. That is how sex got a hold of my mind.

By the following day, I came to my conclusion but wanting to ensure that I was not being judgmental or ‘out to lunch’ about this issue, I decided to check in with three persons.

The first one thought the individual might be impotent and wanted to trap someone in marriage before they figured that out. The second, Anni, after she picked herself off the floor, thought that this was a religious nut who wants to convert me so was saying the right things about my past but let the proverbial cat out of the bag when it came right down to it. And the third, my gentle giant R., thought this was a ploy – to sound like a nice person and then there would be hell to pay when Jezebel (me) got them into bed before marriage!

Bottom line was – all my ‘consultants’ agreed that this was one person to run from as fast as I could. I loved what Anni said – “You are no goddamn teenager! That’s something an 18 year old would say but for a woman of our age that’s ludicrous!”

Is it really? Is fornication such a silly notion in the year 2008?

I thought about it – hence my luggage still not being packed and the plants dying from thirst – trying hard to find some merit in this person’s position. My conclusion is, Anni is right. Fornication or to be more politically correct – not engaging in pre-marital sex might be a value we need to instill in our children and young people. Actually, let me adjust that statement somewhat.

Pre-commitment sex is the real issue. Regular readers know my love and adoration for Bishop John Shelby Spong. I have read all his books, met him in person twice and have his autograph – am I a fan or what? The first of his books that I read was a life-saver for me.

“Living in Sin: A Bishop Rethinks Human Sexuality,” saved me from the years of condemnation and feelings of shame that I had inflicted on myself – as society had judged me or told me that I was unclean, worthless and not pure.

It was not my fault that since the age of two I was the target of male fantasy to have sex with a minor. Neither was it my fault that a man thought it okay to rape me – as I was his property. But try telling that to a teenager and worse yet, try convincing an adult who has lived all of her life feeling this way.

And so for years, even while in a long-term relationship, I silently lived with the shame and guilt – afraid to share the pain that I was going through even with my dearest because I felt no one would really understand…and in fact even my closest really did not.

The healing process started for me when I read that book of Bishop Spong and his understanding of sexuality and sex within a committed relationship. That healing deepened when I was able to sit across from him (back in Jamaica) and in less than 15minutes poured out my desire to be a spiritualcounsellor but the shame I felt about my past. His words to me placed me squarely on the path that I now trod.

Sex only after marriage does not guarantee a successful marriage. The divorce statistics prove that. Equally, sex before marriage (or even before a true bond and commitment has developed) – consensual or otherwise – changes the nature of the relationship and brings challenges with it.

I do agree that sex is not the be all and end all of any relationship and therefore whether one continues to engage in a particular relationship should not be determined solely on the basis of sex. But I also agree that sex without commitment is merely lust and involvements started on that basis will not end in a long-lasting and committed relationship.

That is what I eventually shared with this individual. I sat at my computer and did what I do best – I wrote a long email explaining my position that:
(1) I have no desire, at this point in time or in the near future, to get married to anyone regardless of the gender;
(2) we are sexual beings and sexuality is part of our DNA and therefore it would be hard for me (and for anyone) to deny and repress such an essential part of their ‘beingness’;
(3) having ‘been around the block,’ as many times as I have, asking me to either not express who I am at my core for someone who I truly care for and love would be the real sin.

As Anni said, I (nor you DOF’s) are not teenagers, although one have to wonder about some of us. I think I can differentiate between lust and when two people have spent time really getting to know each, time and effrot getting in touch with each others deepest feelings and emotions, and based on those things make a commitment to share the journey for however long life allows.

I received a equally long reply, filled with biblical quotes of judgment and condemnation. The ‘pus’ [cat] was let out of the bag finally! I had a good laugh and then thought – this has to be written; this is Part 5 of the DOF series!

Now I am going to throw a few pieces of clothing in a bag ( I will not be making any fashion statements on this trip :), put the book I should have read weeks ago in my hand luggage to read on the flight tonight and go to Toronto and pretend to be wise (ha-ha).

Blessings,


Claudette

Photos as usual are courtesy of Renato

DOF 4: A Woman with a Past

Torn between getting dressed and going to the grocery store or writing this post – my final decision is obvious.

It is another Sunday morning that I woke up to … not another human face on the pillow next to me -- Angello, my dog.

If he was not sick and slowly leaving my life this scenario would probably be depressing. Who wants to wake up to a dog every darn morning?

As a child growing up in Kingston, Jamaica, on a couple of occasions I heard a particular song by the National Folk Singers. At the time the significance of the words did not truly resonate with me – now it is a totally different story.

All the words of this folk song escape me now – the vital ones I recall: “Before me go married and go hug up mango tree…mi’, mi’ will live so mi’ one!”

Despite the seeming ‘sadness’ of my waking up to my dog – as the song says – it is much preferably to being ‘married’ and unhappy!

I have both a tendency and a propensity to read several books at the same time and right now I am going through three:
1. Something More: Excavating Your Authentic Self by Sarah Ban Breathnach
2. The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz
3. The 8th Habit: From Effectiveness to Greatness by Stephen R. Covey
The first two I am reading maybe for the third or fourth time but this is my first read of Covey’s latest.

All three books have a common theme – one that I recognize as applicable to the single life.

Once upon a time – I hope – it was an horrible thing to be single. Women over a certain age (20) without a partner (read as man) were considered ‘spinsters’ – what an awful word!

Until the advent of the pill and the subsequent sexual revolution – a woman of my age (40+) and status (single, divorced or widowed) would be put out to roost.

It is the fact that this has not only changed but women like myself, especially those of us who are DOF’s (Dating Over Forty) are now celebrated that makes me so excited by Breathnach’s book – to the point of recommending it (and her other one – Simple Abundance that I also read about thrice) to all women and even men.

The entire book, a collection of essays, is a treat but it was the one on “Becoming a Woman with a Past,” that had me saying “Amen, Alleluia!”

I am a Woman with a Past and so is every one of you who have survived life challenges – in their various forms. Breathnach writes: “There is nothing more alluring, intriguing, and romantic than being perceived as a woman with a past. Except, of course, knowing that you are one, which makes you glorious. Magnificent. Powerful."

I love it! The thought and more so the knowledge that I am (and you are) a Woman with a Past is so empowering it is almost scary. In fact, it is scary for many who you meet as a woman DOF. Well, that has been my experience at least.

Potential dates do not know what the hell to make of you as a Woman with a Past! What do you do or say to a woman (or man for that matter) that enters a room knowing that she is glorious, magnificent and powerful – wounds and all?

My experience has been varied – in person, on the phone or through internet dating sites. However, several things are common. And this is where Ruiz book comes in. He calls what others do – those who do not know what to do with you – as shooting their poisoned arrows at you. They try to change you in some way or another, from their place of fear and brokenness – although they would never admit this.

“You are too this; you are too that; you shouldn’t say this; you should be like that,” are just some of the things they will shoot at you to convince you that you have no right to be glorious, magnificent or powerful.

Ruiz advice to you/me – Women with Pasts – is “you have to accept yourself and love yourself just the way you are. You are what you are, and that is all you are. You don’t need to pretend to be something else.”

Over the last few months of my stepping out as a DOF, there have been so many opportunities for me to fall back into the old trap – distrusting who I am meant to be. As a single person on the proverbial market, everyone wants to have a piece of you – in more ways than one.

I remember a minister back in Jamaica saying that if you give everyone a piece of you – what will you have left for yourself? “Nothing,” would be my response. Dating Over Forty does not have to be compromising yourself and who you have grown up to be – absolutely not.

In fact the opposite is true. It is your past and who you have become that has probably made you single in the first place but it is also what has made you a priceless commodity.

My lesson in this regard is – do not sell yourself short! Do not settle – because you wake up to your dog on a fine, relatively warm for January Sunday morning!

Covey’s book is written largely with a management focus in mind; however, as he himself noted, the principles can and ought to be applied to daily living and relationships. I am reading this one slowly because of this comprehensive approach – figuring out how to “walk” these principles in all areas of my new life.

One point that grabbed me by the short and curlies had to do with expressing one’s voice. Covey teaches that you must find your own voice – meaning your own style of expressing your uniqueness – then help others to do the same.

Part of being able to do this is living by your conscience – you know that still small voice in all of us that whispers to you when you are supporting life or destroying it. This is what Covey wrote:

“People who do not live by their conscience will not experience …internal integrity and peace of mind. They will find their ego attempting to control relationships. Even though they might pretend or feign kindness and empathy from time to time, they will use subtle forms of manipulation and will even go so far as to engage in kind but dictatorial behaviours.”

Reading this, I first had to admit to myself – “been there, done that.” After releasing the negative energy of being in that place and asking for forgiveness, I was then able to see how this played out and continue to play out in my life now. Actually, less so now than before as I am able to ‘suss’ out those people who have tried to enter my space in recent months whose true purpose was to test my will to become the best human being that I can be.

As a Woman with a Past and one who is DOF (or man, never forget that it applies to both genders), you have to be so attentive to these “players,” I like to call them. Their talk is sweet. They pretend as if they have it all together and that you are a nincompoop because you speak your truth openly and without hesitation. Their wish would be that you just do as they say or recommend because they have ‘stuff’ and you do not.

My question to them has been – “Who told you that I want to be a mini-you?”

And so, my wish for all Women with Pasts (and men) is that as we continue to date, we never let go of who we are.

Quoting again from Breathnach and extensively so to close this post:
“…Authentic success is something much, much more…” than surviving the betrayal of someone loved and trusted.

“Authentic success is …. Surviving the betrayal of someone you loathed and tormented. Yourself.”

How do we stop betraying ourselves – even as we try to date?

“By stopping it, that’s how, just stopping it. Today. By praying right this moment for the courage to learn how to transform the self-loathing into loving every day through your passionate choices.”

My passionate choice is to be the glorious, magnificent and powerful Me.

What’s yours?

Blessings,

Claudette

Works Cited:

Breathnach, Sarah Ban: Something More: Excavating Your Authentic Self, 323 – 325
Covey, Stephen: The 8th Habit: From Effectiveness to Greatness, 82
Ruiz, Don Miguel: The Mastery of Love, 81

Photographs, as usual, courtesy of Renato

Resolution 2008: Living Your Best Life

There was a time in my life when going out to get that special dress or pants suit for New Year’s Eve night was a must do.

Until I made a bonfire out of them, my bag of photographs (yes, we did not get around to filling albums) held many pictures of me with my ex at New Year’s Eve parties with our dearest friends. No, I only burnt the ones with her in them – it might sound sad but it certainly was cathartic!

My memory also goes back to what I now like to call my Russian Years – when New Year’s Eve night was the longest of the year.

Every other night we had a curfew – 11:00 p.m. At that bewitching hour, unless you knew the “Commandant,” (the keeper of the gate) you slept wherever night caught you and prayed to God that you were not found out.

New Year’s Eve night was different, however, as there was no curfew, no Commandant coming to check whether you had girls, boys and/or liquor in your room and the partying was wild, loud and, well, really wild.

For every New Year, like people across the world I would imagine, we would make resolutions – “I resolve to lose weight, to stop smoking, to quit drinking, to …something that takes the pleasure out of my existence!” These noble declarations were soon forgotten once the hangover kicked in.

The folly of making resolutions continued nevertheless well past my Russian Years and into my life as a mother and lover in a long-term relationship.

Some of the most popular resolutions for me were to make more money, pay all my bills on time and take control of my diabetes. My then partner’s one and only resolution was to lose weight – even when she was not overweight at least in my eyes. (Yes, that’s my African blood speaking – I love my partner to have meat on her body.)

Needless to say, by the middle of the year, the resolutions were long forgotten or when they did cross your mind it was with a “oh yes, I did say that didn’t I?”

Now on the brink of 43 and with 2008 only days away, one of the dear women with whom I work asked me a couple nights ago as we swapped life stories, “So Claudette what’s your New Year’s resolutions gonna be?”

Smiling has become second nature to me – a smile comes to my face so easily now, even when someone is attempting to be rude to me. There is a story there – the short version is how my daughter and I smilingly (she has learned the art well) confronted racism in a well known department store in Edmonton, leaving the woman stunned. She must have thought – where did these Amazon-height women came from?

Racism – in any of its manifestation is not something I put up with and thankfully my Abigail is learning to recognize when she is being treated with disdain because of her skin colour and how to address it without losing her dignity – smilingly that is.

This is all connected to my response to the woman’s question about my resolutions for 2008. She had told me what some of her resolutions were – including the usual culprits of weight, exercise and smoking.

I know she thought I had missed the point – or probably in one of my “chaplain” moments when I told her what my resolutions are.

Excusing myself, I went to my office and returned with a copy of a poem that has come to be a guiding principle for me. I watched her as she read it – not for the first time – and as her eyes filled with tears. She looked up at me and asked, “But how do you practically do this Claudette?”

“Easy,” I said, “think of your child, your daughter.”
You see, like me this particular woman has a daughter (in fact most of the women that I work with have children) and my advice to them – one that I remind myself of all the time – is always think whether your action is something you would want your child(ren) to replicate.

“Would I be proud of my daughter should she repeat my actions?” I most certainly was that day in the store when she calmly walked up to the sales clerk and opened her purse and said, “See, there is nothing in my purse,” and strode off – all 5’ 11” of her!

So, what’s this poem that I shared? It is not new to regular readers as I have posted it before. Yet, it is new if you have not made it a part of your life, your living, your way of being in the world. And that is my resolution for 2008 – to take these words and walk them:

A strong woman works out every day to keep her body in shape…
But a woman of strength kneels in prayer to keep her soul in shape…

A strong woman isn’t afraid of anything…..
But a woman of strength shows courage in the midst of her fear….

A strong woman won’t let anyone get the best of her…
But the woman of strength gives the best of herself to everyone…

A strong woman makes the mistakes and avoids the same in the future…
A woman of strength realizes life’s mistakes can also be the Creator’s blessings and capitalizes on them….

A strong woman walks sure footed…
But a woman of strength knows the Creator will catch her if she falls

A strong woman wears a look of confidence on her face…
But a woman of strength wears grace….

A strong woman has faith she is strong enough for the journey…
But a woman of strength has faith that it is in the journey, that she will become strong.

For 2008, as I embrace being single, being a Canadian and all that means, being a woman of colour and of Jamaican-African heritage living in the Diaspora, being a lesbian, being a professional and becoming a human being with a heart so cracked and bruised yet wide open, those words are my resolve.

In short, in 2008, I resolve to:

Take care of my body, the temple of the Living God, as I pray without ceasing.

Be still and know that the Divine has my back, even when my knees have gone to putty.

Keep giving with a smile, even when others think they pulled one over me.

Pick myself up and brush myself off and learn to read the signs – the life lessons – and proceed to the next class with grace.

Never stop growing, learning and most of all, loving – no matter what.

Just a couple nights ago, in a telephone conversation with a wonderful woman – one with a lot of the attributes that I hope to find in a partner eventually – told me that I am too sensitive. There was a time when that would hurt me tremendously and cause me to try to be tough.

However, now I recognize that being labelled “sensitive,” is one of those things that patriarchy has done to women and it is a label that I personally have re-captured to my benefit. And so, when told this (by a woman ironically) it did not phase me in the least. Statements like that have not had that effect on me for a little while now. Why?

Because it is the truth; of course I am sensitive. I am sensitive to my pain and that of others. I am sensitive to kindness and its opposite – evil (the absence of good). I am sensitive to what is helpful and life-giving and what is soul-destroying. I am extremely sensitive to truth, honesty and lies.

The fact is whether one is considered “too” sensitive is really a matter of what the person who is doing the labelling has in their hearts. The Bible states and I paraphrase: “Guard your hearts because from it flow the issues of your life.”

In 2008, it is my resolve to be a Woman of Strength/Strong Woman - with an open and sensitive heart.

In 2008, I intend to be sensitive – to God’s calling of my name, to my brothers and sisters journey – the pain and joy therein, to love knocking on my door and to the doors that I must knock on to give the only true gift – unconditional love.

In 2008, I will be walking the talk at full speed.

I resolve to live my best life in 2008 so that my daughter may have a blueprint for her own life!

I really invite those of you who would like to try some New Year’s resolutions that are truly life-changing to join me. Maybe we can keep an online journal of our success – notice I did not say progress but success. I will think of something and share that in the New Year.

This is Divine work – nothing but success is guaranteed.

Have a Happy New Year’s Eve night - in your ball gowns or tuxedos (that’s for my butch sistas’) or, like me, in your pyjamas!

Blessings,

Claudette & Angello (woof)

Blue What?

My head is pounding. Sleep has not been an option for me two nights now.

No, I have not been out shopping all night at the 24-hours stores, albeit that is exciting developments in Edmonton, Alberta.

Just five years ago that would be unheard of – stores opening beyond 9:00 p.m., but Walmart has started a trend this Christmas and many retailers have followed along.

Which leads me to the question – the perennial question – how many people really care about the traditions of Christmas? Does it really matter anymore that this is a religious holiday season – marking the birth of a man who by his living transformed what was the then traditional practice of religion?

Some people actually hate the season – not because of the consumerism that has captured its spirit but because of the memories and reminders that it holds for them. Elvis Prestley, I believe it was him, describes their sentiment with his song “Blue Christmas,” or whatever the title.

A year ago, I knew and shared their feelings.

It was a first time experience for me as Christmas has always been “the most wonderful time of the year,” even when my mother was baking tin ham (go figure) because she could not afford to buy the picnic ham. All my conscious life, until my 41st year, Christmas was a time that I eagerly anticipated. It was when I had freedom in my mother’s kitchen to practice my culinary skills – to varying degrees of success.

Christmas 2006 was a different story. I wrote a very baleful post back then, one that rivaled Elvis’ or any other crooner’s most sorrow-filled Christmas song.

Who was it that said, “The only constant is change?” Whoever made such an insightful statement should be awarded a prize!

They were? It was well deserved then - as I am here to say that that observation is absolutely true. I have been into testifying lately – not that I have not become a Pentecostal or something of the sort – but I strongly believe that stories that witness to the goodness in and of life ought to be shared.

Change is the only constant. That can and is a frightening thought for many. It certainly was one for me last year – to the point that I did not want to have another – thought that is.

Over an early supper today, I told my woman-friend Anni that the words her late mother wrote on a piece of paper we found in her apartment came to me today as I reflected on this week last year.

Anni’s mother had written, in short, and I had copied in one of my 2006 journals - “I have come to learn that it is not time but love that heals.” The full meaning of those words came home to me today as I reflected on this week last year.

Just a side note here – it has served me well to journal and later re-read my journals. This helps me to see the recurring themes and patterns, see where situations that “were meant for evil, God meant for good,” have played out in my experience and to get back on track or re-focus my energies on “what matters.”

So what has changed this week? What is different this year from last? And, equally important, how has Love been healing my life?

Approaching Christmas 2007, I can gratefully report that:
 My beautiful daughter and I (her equally beautiful mother) were sworn in as Canadian citizens on December 18. This after a mysterious (and probably mischievous) delay, which, along with other secrets, I was able to uncover after several phone calls and clicks of buttons.

 After many arguments, frustration and consternation, my daughter Abigail has this month completed her Diploma and, even better, was hired on the 9th day of her practicum by the hospital where she was placed!

 I am healthy, growing from strength to strength each day. Psychologically I am free from the pills that although they helped me to regain my perspective, somewhat diminished my intellectual capacity. Today, after two sleepless nights of studying laws, policies, and regulations, I sat a knowledge test that, if I am successful at the other two stages of the process, will see me moving into a position of greater responsibility, with more challenges and intensity. Whether this happens is not the main issue however. What is more important is the fact that I am ready to take back my intellectual power, finish my thesis/paper for my second Master’s degree and get my life back on the academic track that I had mapped out since I was 10 years old – which is the attainment of my Doctorate.

 Spiritually, while I continue to be supported by my amazingly wonderful Spiritual Director (God bless her) – I have also found a new church home, still within the United Church of Canada. Additionally, my social justice work continues within this Church and I was recently informed of my appointment to serve for three years on a task group basically on interculturalism within that organization. This is along with my assuming the chairmanship in 2008 of an organization that serves black peoples.

 I now have a vote!! That was the most exciting thing for me about becoming a Canadian citizen my ability to exercise my franchise in the next election. The larger intention is that some time in the near future, given that this is a free, democratic and inclusive country – as a woman of colour and openly of a different sexual orientation, with liberal spiritual beliefs and practices, I will be running for political office.

 Economically, although things can always be better – for the first time in my adult years I feel as if I am truly making it! I live alone – booted out the roommate months ago - and I love it. Actually, this will be topic of my next article in the DOF series – “Single and Loving it!”

 Angello is still alive!

As the saying goes – “I am too blessed to be stressed,” – no blue Christmas for me. Yes, I will be sitting alone in the pew on Christmas Eve night. And yes, it will breakfast for one Christmas morning 2007 – but it will be ackee and saltfish with ham cuttings and fried dumplings, why would I want anything more?

I am alive, I am well and all is well! Thanks be to God! So, I wish you all, my friends and readers, a wonderful Christmas.

If for a moment you forget the true meaning of the season, the birth of the one who came to give life, then just remember the people I will be with on the evening of Christmas (yes, I volunteered to go to work), remember the homeless and remember those who, like me last year, feel so alone, afraid and abandoned and wished they were not alive.

Merry Christmas! You will hear from me before the New Year – that is a promise.

Blessings,


Claudette

RenatoGandia Photos