Wilderness Journal: Day 12

Still in the Center

Introduction
Day 1
Day 2
Day 3
Day 4

I am still standing fully in the Center of the Medicine Wheel, the place of the Eternal Fire, to begin my day.

So much has happened since Day 4!

It is now Day 12 and although I can sense the East calling me – the place of success and triumph – I am making the conscious decision to move to the West for a few more days.

I have done a lot of soul-searching and self-examination, have gone to some very deep and dark places, changed my mind about some decisions as they were not made from a place of love but anger, asked for forgiveness of many and have, most importantly, forgiven myself.

There is still some ‘dying’ left to be done, still some issues to be resolved and I am not stopping until I come to a place where I can bury in love all that no longer serves the highest good.

I can feel it in my bones that the East is my next direction, but if true success and triumph is to be mine, I must finish clearing the clutter as I know it. Part of doing that is – and has always been – to tell the truth, to myself and to others, no matter how tough or difficult.

As I continue the process of clearing the clutter, this poem by Patricia Lynn Reilly gave me the inspiration that I needed for Day 12 and the next few days:

Today’s Inspirational Words:

Imagine a Woman

Imagine a woman who believes it is right and good she is woman. A woman who honors her experience and tells her stories. Who refuses to carry the sins of others within her body and life.

Imagine a woman who believes she is good. A woman who trusts and respects herself. Who listens to her needs and desires and meets them with tenderness and grace.

Imagine a woman who has acknowledged the past’s influences on the present. A woman who has walked through her past. Who has healed into the present.

Imagine a woman who authors her own life. A woman who exerts, initiates, and moves on her own behalf. Who refuse to surrender except to her truest self and to her wisest voice.

Imagine a woman who names her own gods. A woman who imagines the divine in her image and likeness. Who designs her own spirituality and allows it to inform her daily life.

Imagine a woman in love with her own body. A woman who believes her body is enough, just as it is. Who celebrates her body and its rhythms and cycles as an exquisite resource.

Imagine a woman who honors the face of the Goddess in her changing face. A woman who celebrates the accumulation of her years and her wisdom. Who refuses to use precious energy disguising the changes to her body and life.

Imagine a woman who values the women in her life. A woman who sits in circles of women. Who is reminded of the truth about herself when she forgets.

Imagine yourself as this woman.

Acknowledgement of Vulnerability

I read this poem about 10:00 this morning (Day 12) having been up since 3:00 a.m., which has become my new wake-up time (I have very long days now!).

Since my last post, as I mentioned earlier, much has happened and little has happened. The situation remains the same – my relationship is over. Done, finished, completed. No ifs, buts or maybe so.

What ‘much’ has happened? I have changed in many ways. I have spent much of this time in solitude, except for a couple meetings with my ex, one with my daughter and venturing out to a meeting at church that nothing would prevent me from attending.

The decision to be by myself, in solitude, was made as I knew it would give me the clarity, yes I am using that word, that I needed. From the first time I read it, I fell in love with these words by Henry David Thoreau:

“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.”

In this solitude, the discoveries were many, dark, deep and yes, oh so painful. Yet, I had such a sense of liberation once I was able to look at myself in the proverbial mirror, name what was finally coming to the fore, write them down – look at them in black and white – and accept them as truth.

Am I still feeling vulnerable? Certainly. Knowing the truth about oneself and realizing the fact that Life was trying to give you a message, not yesterday, not last year but seven years ago can be crazy-making in itself. You think – how could I have been so stupid, blind, ignorant? As my dear friend M in Ontario said to me last night on the telephone, “Don’t beat yourself up, Claudette. We all do it. Be grateful for the lesson, make sure you study it and you don’t have to repeat it again.”

Mindfulness

Self- Awareness: Locating Oneself

“Where are you today?”

That is where I am today – mulling the lessons that Life finally had to hit me over the head with a brick for me to listen to Her.

It still hurts like hell but there is a quiet sweetness rising in me – one that says, “I got it! What’s next?”

What I am also realizing is that despite the pain, I am still so open to Love – in fact, I need to remain open to Her and experience Her however she presents Herself, even if that means letting go.

Making Space

Returning to my apartment after spending a few hours running errands and meeting with my Faculty Advisor to get back some semblance of order in my life, I entered the physical process of making space – clearing the clutter.

Gone are much of the ‘stuff’ that was too painful for me to be with at this time. What remains can be locked away in storage until the day comes when I can go through them appreciative of their significance but without the pain.

As I was doing that, I came across the “Imagine a Woman” poem among my many files. I allowed the words to filter through my system and as I re-read each line, these were some of the thoughts/insights I had from some. I will allow them to serve as balm to my soul over the next few days:

“Imagine a woman… who honors her experience and tells her stories”: That is what I am doing, have been doing and will continue to do.

Who refuses to carry the sins of others within her body and life: I am working on that…some of the scars are deep and still hidden and some are newly inflicted but I refuse to be victim!

Imagine a woman who has acknowledged the past’s influences on the present. A woman who has walked through her past: This is the work that I consciously started seven years ago and that I am even more intent on deepening it now.

Who has healed into the present: I am healing…healing.

Imagine a woman who authors her own life. A woman who exerts, initiates, and moves on her own behalf. Who refuse to surrender except to her truest self and to her wisest voice: This is the opportunity that this experience has gifted me and I intend to grab it with both hands – through the grace of the Divine.

Imagine a woman who names her own gods. A woman who imagines the divine in her image and likeness. Who designs her own spirituality and allows it to inform her daily life: All that needs to be said here is AMEN.

Imagine a woman in love with her own body. A woman who believes her body is enough, just as it is. Who celebrates her body and its rhythms and cycles as an exquisite resource: This is one of the significant challenges that I am working on – having received so many messages in the past and in recent times that my body is either to be used or is not enough (too fat).

Imagine a woman who values the women in her life. A woman who sits in circles of women. Who is reminded of the truth about herself when she forget: One thing I know for sure, I would not be here today writing this post had it not been for the circle of women who God sent to embrace me! Their love and support was both tender and truthful. I thank them, bless them and pray that I may one day pass on the blessings they gave to me.


Final Words

And so, I am imagining again!

The journey never ends and yes M I am wearing the rubber band on my hand to remind me to stay in this moment, to not look back, to not look too far off into what cannot be known. My left wrist is sore for the number of times I have had to sting myself to keep in the Now – as that is all we have and it is what it is.

Blessings,

Claudette