Ship Ahoy

It is hard to believe that one year ago my world was upside down and I was hanging on to the edge by my fingernails!

As October 8, 2007 approached I was terrified. The memories of last year came crashing in on me like a bad motor vehicle accident. The proverbial "meaning of life," as was I learning to appreciate it, was again threatened.

Never mind the fact that soon I will be under the knife of my 5' 8" surgeon. That was petty matters to was shaping up to be a horrible anniversary. And the possibility that it would be so caught me completely off guard one lovely autumn day as I drove to work and heard the words of Simply Red's song, So Not Over You, on my car stereo:

Don't know why I still slept on my side of the bed
The emptiness when you were gone kept ringing in my head
Told myself I really had to move along now
Stop regretting all the things I left unsaid...

So I tore up your letters
Took your picture off my wall
I deleted your number, it was too hard not to call
Felt a little better, told myself I'd be fine
Got to live for the good times up ahead...

[chorus]
'Cos everywhere I go
There's a love song that reminds me of you
And even though I knew I had to be strong
I was still not over you
'Cos I still believe and I could see how there's nothing left of you and me
That time is over
'Cos I'm so not over you

All my friends try to tell me better find somebody new
Why waste time being lonely when there's nothing left to lose'

Anything to get you out of my mind
I'm a fool if I thought I could forget
And I could not forget

Now I found a way to keep you there beside me
To where my love won't be denied
I can only hope to keep you there and guide me
There's no more need to hide from all this pain inside

So not over you
That time is over
'Cos I'm so not over you

Struck by the emotions that these lyrics arose in me, as I was on the afternoon rotation, the next morning I purchased the compact disc and played Track #2 again and again and again. It felt as if I needed to saturate my soul in the reality. To once and for all accept what is.

Soaked one last time in pain and completely aware of the reality of how my world has changed, of how my life's course has taken a direction I could not have forseen, I braced for what could have been a lonely Thanksgiving Day.

As it turned out, not unlike all the other times when I call for help, my angels came. Thanksgiving Day and in fact the weekend was spent doing just that - giving thanks in the company of my boys and people who have joined me on this leg of the journey, doing what gay and not so gay people do best - shopping, dining and in laughter.

A wonderful man told me over dinner last night that his mother always told him that a ship is of no use if it is not put to sea. She was using this metaphor to teach her son one of the best lessons I have heard about pain and growth.

This wise woman wanted her little son to understand that unless we venture out onto the high seas of life, overcome its storms and, like a ship, return to shore battered, worn, probably with pieces of our stern missing but ready to go again - we have not fulfilled our purpose.

I am off to sea again - in every sense of the word - heading straight into the storm of outstanding legal wranglings, surgery and learning to be loved again and in a way that I have never been before - but this time the waters are not as scary as they were twelve months ago.

As always, there is a prayer on my lips and it is "God, thank you!"

Blessings,

Claudette

Ready to Heal My Heart

I have not laughed so hard in years – truly!

We were in stitches, my daughter and I. She was trying to get me to stop laughing so I could tell her the full story but that was hard.

My uncontrollable laughter had started twenty minutes before getting her on the phone. In fact, it started after my woman-friend, Anni, got me out of a tight spot – thank God!

By now you must be wondering what the heck I am on about. Well here is the story.

Following up on my man-friend’s advice to “get out, hit the clubs and show off my fabulous self,” I checked in with my soon-to-be twenty year old daughter exactly how one gets a date these days.

I listened keenly as she gave me dating tips, some that I had given her years before and some that were so new to me they seemed outlandish! I was somewhat amused at how the roles had changed, nevertheless, I listened. Her last words to me, which was so cute, were “So, let’s go to the lounge this Saturday night!”

“No, I don’t know about that baby girl,” I responded, thinking that I had to absorb the information first and see how comfortable and how ready I was with all that she had told me. Further, there were some other options, like internet dating, which I also wanted to consider some more.

Truth be told, I am not ready for a 'relationship' but as Lance said, there was no harm in my getting out more, beyond the company of my women-friends, the senior citizen that I hang out with most Fridays and the women at work. “You are not looking for a partner; you’re just having some fun – something you have not had for a while!” Lance commanded me in his usual style.

I have always had a presence on one particular internet chat/dating site but not as someone looking for a date but to offer the services of Comfort Foundation. Given my new status, I decided to change my profile a bit and to add my profile on another site. This seemed more comfortable for me, allowing me time to 'check out' the people before having to actually meet.

Well, no sooner than I had posted my profile (and yes, photograph) on the new site, my mail box started to fill up! “Damn, I’m hot!” (just kidding).

The experience of internet dating is a topic for a post all by itself. What I want to share in this post is the fact that now I know that I am ready to heal my heart.

After checking out a few of the persons who emailed me, via hotmail messenger (yes, I created an account as this is part and parcel of internet dating it seems) and other sources, I narrowed it down to one potential. Immediately, I placed a call to Lance to find out, what I should do next. Remember people, I have not dated in 16 years!

His advice was meet the person asap, instead of chatting online for months to finally meet and realize that there is no true chemistry or depth of personality. He was right on the money as that is so important to me - honesty, intelligence, spirituality and depth of personality!

Scared at the prospect of meeting someone basically blindly (I have shared in an early post about the horrors of my first blind date), I agreed to meet this person at a bookstore with a coffee shop early evening (Thursday).

Something told me to call my woman-friend Anni and meet her for an early supper before this ‘date’. So we did. After the first course, Anni straight facedly asked me, “So what is your back up plan to get out of there fast if you don’t feel the right energy?”

“Duh, I don’t have one,” was my stupid response. "Sit and grin until it's appropriate to go?"

“Claudette, you need a plan to get out fast, so let’s come up with something now.” Anni instructed.

We plotted until we agreed on what time she would call me and what codes we would use to either confirm that the vibes were right or that I am getting the hell out of there.

And so off I went, punctual as ever for my 7:00 p.m. meeting. I walked in and immediately spotted someone who fit the profile somewhat. I approached and when the person confirmed that they were the one, I almost ran out of the store!

“No, you must be polite,” my bigger self told me.

So I took a seat, not removing my nice black trench coat. That should have been the first clue to the other party that this woman was not feeling anything!

As the individual went on and on about themselves, their job and their properties, etc., I was clutching my cell phone, willing it to ring!

I smiled politely for 10 minutes, listening to this person sell themselves but I was not buying. Too short, too much perfume, too many superficialities and I just could not see beyond the dry hair and skin!

I tried to be my best spiritual self and remind myself that this was a child of God sitting in front of me but I also knew the Divine would never want me to settle for less than I truly deserve – even for an hour – been there, done that for too long.

Finally, after my second refusal for anything to drink and my noticing that the individual’s credit card was declined for a $1.50 bottle of milk, my cell phone rang and it was Anni – right on time.

“Oh dear…” I commiserated as she told me her exact location and asked how is it going, “I can get there in ten minutes.” I was on my feet as I was saying this and Anni was laughingly saying: "And I will meet you at your place with a bottle of Bailey's [my favourite drink when I do have one] to get this story!"

The individual got the message and as I walked out asked whether they could email me. I did my 20-year old's routine response, “Whatever.”

The uncontrollable laughter started as I drove away from the bookstore – not at the individual but the experience and the overwhelming feeling of freedom and happiness I felt.

Since Thursday evening, I have been telling this story of my first internet dating experience to my daughter, all my woman-friends and Lance and with each re-telling the laughter and the feeling of joy deepen.

In a few weeks, I believe I will be able to write a post about “Dating After 40,” but for the meantime, I am doing as Melody Beattie, the author of The Language of Letting Go and Journey to the Heart, writes:

“Maybe some deceived us unconsciously or betrayed us deliberately [and we say] I can deal with that…they have their own issues. I forgive…And we do forgive. But
now it may be time to learn gentleness, compassion, understanding and
forgiveness for ourselves as well. We don’t open our hearts by ignoring the
break lines. We take our hand, knowing its held by God, and gently run our
fingers across each crack. Yes, it’s there. Yes, I feel it. Yes, I’m ready to
heal my heart.”

Yes, I am ready to heal my heart.

Blessings,

Claudette