Wilderness Journal: Day 15

From the Center

Introduction
Day 1
Day 2
Day 3
Day 4
Day 12

I began my day in a somewhat different way this morning, Day 15, as there were some men in the corridor shouting at my door what they wanted the woman in there to do to them.

This raucous started about 2:50 a.m. and needless to say I was feeling very scared. I thought of calling the Police but instead dialed you know who – as if she could help me!

We spoke for a few and then rung off. By now it was time I would normally rise so I made coffee and presented myself at the Center of the Medicine Wheel, the place of the Eternal Fire.

Continuing on my westward quest, to do some more dying, I moved from the Center with the following prayer in my heart – the one I wrote before falling off to sleep the previous night.

Today’s Prayer:

Dear God,

I am going to bed now and my heart is brimming over with love for [you know who].

I pray that you continue to keep and guide her.

I pray for your strength that I may either be released completely from this longing to be with her or that we may be reunited and willingly stand before you as one – healing as we walk the path you have chosen.

Let your unlimited good will be done.

AMEN.

Acknowledgement of Vulnerability

I woke with that thought on my mind and wrote this in my Wilderness Journal for Day #15:

“Prayed before going to bed last night for release from this love, this longing to be reunited with [you know who]. I prayed that You, God, would remove it from my heart if it is not your Will. I woke up this morning feeling just a bit lighter – until the panic of the men in the corridor took control over my rational thoughts.

I guess my prayer should have been for self-control. And so, that is my prayer now – fill me with self-control that I may be only what serve the highest good. In spite of my feelings for [you know who] – teach me how to control my reactions when I am triggered to react so that I may not behave or react in ways that are disempowering of her and me.”

For the past few days, I have been doing a lot of reading on co-dependency in intimate relationships. I was also bracing myself for my session (today) with my psychologists as we were to be doing some work on boundaries. I was becoming keenly consciousness of both issues and how they have played out in our lives and in fact, had a recent communication with you know who, in which I 'confessed' and accepted my role in our co-dependent dance.


Mindfulness

Self- Awareness: Locating Oneself

“Where are you today?”

I was nervously excited about the session with the therapist, feeling in my soul that this was going to be a breakthrough moment for me – given all the self-examination I had been engaged in since our last session and the revelations that came to me.

Before leaving the Center, I drew my Osho Zen Card which read:

“Rebirth – Whatever the space you are in … it will evolve into something new if you allow it. It is a time of growth and change.”

Then I checked two of my regular sources for my daily horoscope and numerology. In short, they read:

Horoscope: Things are about to change quickly and dramatically. Get a clearer picture of the ways things are now to better understand how things change. Appreciating the difference is the best way to learn a valuable lesson about how you can grow.

Numerology: Family matters need to be rectified. Loyalty. Give of yourself.

Making Space

I have been in such turmoil this last week – praying and asking for the Divine to give me a clear sign whether the relationship was truly over. Intellectually it seemed like it was, however, my heart was someplace else. In fact, the words emanating from you know whose mouth was sending their own mixed signals.

My request to God for signs was initially answered subtly – by drawing my attention to certain books in my growing library. A few books stood out:

• Care of the Soul – Thomas Moore


• Seat of the Soul – Gary Zukav


• Mind of the Soul – Gary Zukav


• The Mastery of Love – Don Miguel Ruiz


• Sacred Contracts – Caroline Myss

As I could not sleep much anyway, I spent most of my waking hours going through these books with a prayer in my heart: “Give me a sign, give me clarity and show me Your Will.”

Consistently all these books pointed to one theme – it was something that Dr. P and M in Ontario in particular have been very bluntly and forthrightly saying to me. I, however, was resistant to the message, wanting it to be different, more in keeping with my desire which was for us both to do our healing/therapeutic work. Feeling that as we both up were up to today (Monday, November 6) were still confessing a deep and abiding love, care and concern for each other, I felt we could possibly start anew - “meet again,” was the phrase I liked.

These spiritual guides – literary and actual – were telling me something different. “Yes, you love each other,” they were saying, “but the journey seems to have come to its natural and spiritual end; you cannot force someone into the Light, on a conscious journey, if that is not their choice or wish!"

Incidentally, my dear friend Anne (and I have permission to use her name) tells me that I kept saying something similar the night of my attempted suicide on the way home from the hospital after my heart was checked.

After my ill-fated phone call to the person who my intuition had been telling me was not a true friend but an invader, the person who I had called asking to support you know who realising that something 'exclusive' was happening between them (yes, I did!) and who I knew could contact the person who had power of attorney over my life; after I felt Shamed by her words, Anne said that on the drive back to my apartment I kept saying “This is my natural end.” Only later she, Anne, had insight as to what the true meaning of that statement was – and it was to that meaning my other spiritual guides have been trying to awaken me.

Having a basic understanding of what a session on “Boundaries” would entail, particularly one that included ‘body work/therapy’; more so, having witnessed how the absence of a sense of boundaries was playing out between you know who and her 'exclusive friend' and knowing how it played out in our life together, I made space in my heart for God to be God and give me a sign, the kick in the butt through the therapist - that would release me.


Halleluiah!

I will not go into the details of the therapy, suffice to say that it was a breakthrough moment – one that had me calling you know who after and for possibly the hundredth time) apologizing for my role in our co-dependent dance and any harm I might have caused. She thanked me, assumedly for my honesty and willingness to say I am sorry, then told me she loved me too.

But that was not the halleluiah moment; it would come later.

I checked the mail box on my return home and found one bill – still not the halleluiah moment – and it was our cell phone bill.

I was immediately struck by the fact that we had gone way over our minutes – which was unusual for us - and so would have to pay a significant amount over our normal bill. Thinking that this increase in usage might very well have to do in part with our new living arrangements, I consulted with you know who to find out whether we should change the rate plan. She agreed that that might be the best option.

Being the ever efficient one – always on top of things – I placed the call and the wonderful customer service representative instructed me how to get a detailed bill on line so that she and I could have an intelligent discussion and I could make a more informed decision once I could see how the minutes were used. I thanked her and rung off, leaving the detailed bill open, as I had to go to a work-related appointment.

When I returned and while walking the dog, Spirit kept saying to me, “Go back to that bill.”

Arguing and protesting with It, I thought it best I did not as in the past (recent and otherwise) I have been accused of paranoia and insane jealousy. Now trying to intentionally deepen my work to sort out the issues that seem to be haunting me - manifesting as this paranoia that you know who accused me of, I said to Spirit, “No, I am not doing that as should I see anything that suggest anything and I say anything you can be sure that it will be said that I am paranoid and I am tired of being told that as it is beginning to feel like the truth. My intuition is off or completely wrong it seems. Furthermore, I want to change and so I must learn to trust.”

Have you ever found yourself moving towards something as if you are a robot? Well that is exactly what happened. Whether you want to believe it or not, I found myself sitting in front of the computer going through this detailed bill. I came to when I heard myself screaming, “No!”

What did I see? Proof-positive that I was not being and am not a paranoid and jealous woman who wrongly accused you know who and our dear 'friend'. Proof-positive that my eyes were not foooling me and my mind was not playing tricks on me when I asked about the behaviours in our house. Proof-positive that my intuition was spot on.

The phone bill, over a period of three months (August to October) showed late night, early morning, mid-day and evening calls, ranging from three to sixty minutes!

Worse yet, there were calls made to my partner in Edmonton while our dear 'friend' was supposedly vacationing with her own partner on the Eastern side of Canada - calls lasting for ten to twenty minutes and from different locations along the coast!

There were calls just before her visits to my house, where she smiled and cooked with and for me! There were calls made as she left my house having accepted my invitation to come over! There were calls while I was at meetings, there were calls as my partner was on her way, leaving or at work!

There were calls on the day the plane was taking off for the vacation, there were calls made as the plane returned her to Edmonton! There were incoming calls minutes after I left the house for work, there were calls while she was on her way to work! This record is full of calls - very long, not too long, medium and short - calls, calls, calls!

Final Words

I have been many things – some of which I have shared in this Blog and some that will come to light in the years to come. One of the many things that I have come to ‘be’ however is to always seek the Truth and tell it – no matter how much it hurts. I learnt that lesson the hard way and never forgot it.

For weeks, actually since July, I have been doing just that. As I sought truth - in myself and from others, even up to a few days before getting this telephone record - I was still being told that I am delusional for saying that something about this 'friendship' is not right. An email was circulated to suggest how crazy I am and to damage my reputation.

So many lies told and so many people hurt and hurting!

Realising this evening (November 6) that I was not simply being paranoid, that my intuition was spot on and that there was not only flirtations but more going on in what was to have been a sacred space for my family was the halleluiah moment, the sign, the release papers I had been asking the Divine to give me.

After ‘confronting’ you know who with this undeniable truth, still willing to forgive for the sake of truth – she of course tried to downplay the true nature of the 'relationship' (go figure). With a gentle and friendly reminder to her that what is born in darkness and deceit cannot be prosperous, I finally released myself from this dark situation.

I called, literally or in prayer, all of my spiritual teachers and guides and thanked them.

Now, I can go to bed and I will sleep peacefully - as I have not slept in almost a month. My sleep will be as a babe's, with the gentle innocence and trust in God that the porcupine that I saw on Day 1 symbolizes.

All is well and well indeed. Thank you God!

Blessings,

Claudette