Living My Life - Fully

Christmas was wonderfully quiet, shared with my daughter, my fiancé and the two dogs of course.

New Year’s Eve night was spent in solitude, by choice, and I was out as a light just before 2009 was heralded in by party-makers around the world.

On New Year’s Day I spent most of the morning into early afternoon doing what is now a three-year practice. My daughter, A, tells me it is a lame way to spend the day but for me it serves a larger purpose.

This is a picture of my 2009 collage or vision board.

Spending New Year’s Day creating a picture of my goals and intention for the year was accidental. It started at a time when the only way I was going to make it another year was by having something to constantly look at to remind me that life goes on.

I did vision boards before and knew it was a powerful tool. However, what I have also learned is that without intentional focus the collage is simply a piece of paper with pictures. As such, my two previous collages were placed in spots where it was the first thing I saw in the mornings and the last thing at night.

Unlike its predecessors, the 2009 collage is simple in style and content. I was struck by this simplicity as much as I was struck by the fact that my life turned out very much as I visualized in the previous two years.

Seeing this, the thought crossed my mind that this year would be smooth sailing. No drama and no grief.

Then it came January 20, 2009 and I took the day off to watch every step that Barack Obama took to become the 44th President of the United States of America. I was up at 4:00 a.m., and glued to the television until about 10:00 p.m. (MST) when he and Michelle danced at the 4th official Inauguration Ball.

A few days later, I realized how wrong I was that my year would be smooth sailing as I could no longer ignore and had to acknowledge my obsession with the Obamas. It was an uneasy recognition in a very significant way for the rest of my year.

At the surface, all is well in my world quite frankly.

I have a wonderful career, I am earning a good income, I drive a nice car, we have a beautiful condominium, and my daughter is doing good and getting better with every passing day. My health is in order and so too is that of my first pet Angello.

I have a partner, friend and soon-to-be husband who not only love me but he is unafraid to show it and be vulnerable with or stand up to me (LOL).

Like Barack Obama with Michelle, he is unafraid of this strong black woman. He tells me no when that is what I need to hear and he tells me yes when that is the right thing to say. And very important to me and to any couple that truly desire to have a long life as a unit - we pray together.

“But you are still not living your life fully, Claudette, you have to let go of your pride” was Anni’s response she listened to me share all this with her during a lunchtime telephone conversation.

Anni is my best woman-friend and we do not always agree, at least not immediately. This time, however, when she said those words “you have to let go of your pride,” there was no disagreeing.

Yes, I am pride-filled and that pride was still smarting from the seeming loss of so many hopes and dreams. That was at the root of my discontent as I watched the Obama’s walking hand in hand down the road to the White House.

This might sound sick to some of you but others might fully understand. While I rejoiced with all Americans who felt that a new day had dawned in their country and indeed the world, I felt some regret about my life.

As I watched the fulfillment of the Obamas dreams, I could not help but mourn the many dreams I had for my life that were let go or seemingly dashed. Anni was right; I was not fully into the life that was now presented to me.

Under the quiet I was still discontented with the trajectory that my professional life had taken, feeling as if I had given up too much and in vain and that my achievements were not as grand as they ought to have been or I had hoped by now at 43 years old.

Deep in my heart I was feeling that while on a personal level maybe even romantic level, things could not be better, they would have been prefect if I had not done this or if I had done that. And this feeling left me incapable, until now, to fully embrace my life. As I spoke with Anni I realized that I was still busy looking for my big break, willing to move across the country if necessary, not recognizing that It was already here.

With the telephone to my right ear, I closed my eyes as Anni and I prayed, not in the usual way but in a fashion that helped me to really feel what was going on in my body.

When I opened my eyes, I slowly looked around my nicely decorated office, peeped through the window and saw the sun ray bouncing off the white snow on top of my car. The light was also flashing on my blackberry and when I checked it was a message from Robert reminding me how much he loves and missed me.

Alone in my office, I fell to my knee and asked for forgiveness for the remnant of ingratitude my woman-friend had helped me to uncover. I thanked God for the road that I was walking down, hand in hand with Robert, my baby girl and my friends.

In a few weeks, I will be walking down the aisle of this beautiful old church with its piped organs playing in the background and with friends and family from across Canada and Jamaica as witnesses to the next chapter of this life – the one that I was reminded to live fully!

I thank you God and my next post might be from a white sand beach in Jamaica! LOL

Blessings,

Claudette

Come Wednesday

I have one of the best bosses there ever is and I have not had the pleasure of saying that very often in my working life.

He knows his stuff but is not pushy about it or feels a need to prove anything to anyone. We have had honest conversations about expectations on both sides. He is not the type to bank his compliments waiting for a special day to say “Good job!”

The thing I probably like about him most is his sense of humour. No, he is no jackass or clown but as I sit in my cozy office daily I can hear his deep throat laughter along the corridor. Laughter is an important part of our day given the environment in which we work and my boss encourages it.

His laugh was equally deep and honest a few weeks ago when I said to him, “M, I am either taking Tuesday or Wednesday off to watch and/or recover from my vigil.”

No questions were necessary as he knew exactly what I was talking about. Earlier in October he had jokingly threatened to call Immigration Canada and report me as a bogus Canadian citizen as I was more concerned about the US Election than the Canadian one.

Fun and joke aside, I am sure come Wednesday, November 5, whatever happens at the polls in the United States, I will be suffering from withdrawal. For the last several months, since the primaries, night and day has found me switching from CNN to MSNBC to follow Barack Obama’s progress.

Yes, I paid some attention to John McCain’s campaign, particularly when he named Sarah Palin as his running mate! Actually, I thought I would have had a coronary attack when I heard her speak at the Republican convention but that soon changed when Tina Fey of Saturday Night Live fame got a hold of that character.

As I have said before, my interest (one might say extreme interest) has as much to do with race as with hope.

It is important to say that even before it was clear that Obama was entering the race, my support of Hillary Clinton was tentative. In his days, Bill Clinton was an interesting President to me as an outsider looking on; however, he never captured my imagination. Neither did the possibility of a woman, namely Hillary Clinton and worse yet Sarah Palin, being the President of the so-called free world.

When I visit a church, the thing that grabs and keeps (or loses) my attention is the sermon. The music is also important but it is the inspirational words of the pastor that holds me. And by inspiration I am not referring to the Pollyanna philosophies.

The ability to speak to the realities of common folks - the joy, the struggles, the dreams and the sacrifices – in a way that calls us to keep on keeping on is what inspires me. As is often said, “To speak truth to power,” and to shine the light of hope on the many dark corners of our lives is inspiring to me.

It is my firm belief that words matter. Words can be creative or destructive. I know this for sure as I have had a few words come out of my own mouth that has done both. Words of others have brought me to the precipice and the words of others that brought me back.

I and many like me want leaders, whether they are preachers or politicians, teachers or doctors, bosses or spouses, who inspire us to become the best human beings we can be. And how else can they do that but through words?

Barack Obama does that for me – a non-American but a citizen of the world that his country influences in every way.

Does is race have anything to do with it? Yes and no.

Recent news of him having an aunt living illegally in the United States, his bi-racial upbringing, his father who went missing in action like so many black fathers (in the US and in Jamaica) has done are some of the ways his racial experiences intertwine with his politics.

For me politics is personal. Obama the politician in my view is shaped by Barack the bi-racial child raised by a single Caucasian mother, who struggled to keep food on the table, put herself and her children through school.

There is no doubt in my mind that many were the times that Obama’s mother would have had to “speak truth,” and whisper softly to her bi-racial child. She clearly spoke truth to power as she reportedly died fighting with the healthcare system and insurance companies.

This is not a quasi-biography of Obama’s life on my part. This is my story in many ways. It is the story of many around the world. A minority who is raised by a single parent, who is struggling economically but who knew that education is key and fought to the best of their ability for you to access it.

This is the story of African-Americans, Caribbean, African, Asian, Hispanic, Caucasian, Native American and all people who were born without a spoon in their mouths – neither gold nor silver.

It is this common history and experience that glues me to the television. And there I will remain until the wee hours of Wednesday morning if necessary.

Does this mean Obama gets a free pass? No he does not. In fact, as always, the standard is even higher for him as a person of colour.

Of course he might fail to do all that he promises and proposes. Would that mean the people of the United States made a mistake in electing a black man? Many might say they did if he fails as a President but the more discerning will recognize that race has nothing to do with ability and competence – President George W. Bush proved that.

What the election of Barack Obama would mean to those of us looking on is that the United States is answering a higher call. In my opinion, this is the most important election in the history of the United States in recent times. A President Obama would signal to the world that the US is now ready to move beyond itself and truly lead the global village.

It is a pivotal time for not only race-relations in the United States but the relationship between that country and the rest of the world.

Come Wednesday, November 5, 2008 win, lose or draw, I will get my life back. On that day, I will return to the pool and lose the pounds that I gained biting my nails on my couch for the past several months. Then I will see my boss M on Thursday (LOL).

Bon chance Barack!

She (and I) is Not Going To The Back Of The Bus!

Few are the speeches that has truly moved me and this clip is one of them.

I was equally moved - into a state of shock - today by a young man's comment, betting that a President Obama will be assassinated. This was a black Canadian who in his misguided pomposity seem to think that bigotry and hatred exists only in the United States.

I beg to defer...as only today I had occasion to literally stare down the hate-filled gaze of a white supremacist right here in Canada!

So, while in the following clip Donna Brazille speaks about the US Presidential election and the sad history of racism in that country - her point(s) is relevant to people of colour across the world.

In fact, it is relevant to everyone one - no matter the skin colour.

Do watch, listen and absorb: