Wilderness Journal: Day 20

From the Center

Introduction
Day 1
Day 2
Day 3
Day 4
Day 12
Day 15

My entry in the Wilderness Journal at 6:15 a.m. was:
“This is the midway point of my intentional 40-day Wilderness Journey and I am of two minds whether to write and publish a post today. It is a significant ‘milestone’ in many ways. If I do write a post, it must tell how I am intentionally seeking to attract a joy-filled experience. I no longer want to dwell on the past and all the mistakes that I or [you know who] made. Unless I can write such a post, I will let it slide. Please guide me God.”

This entry was written after I had come to the Center of the Medicine Wheel, having lit four candles and placed one in each direction (North, South, East and West). However, there was new dimension to the Medicine Wheel – I had actually drawn a circle on a poster size paper and divided it into four sections: Physical, Emotional, Mental (Intellectual) and Spiritual dimensions. After praying for guidance and meditating, I wrote my intentions for the next phase of my journey in each section.

Placing myself at the Center of my now expanded Medicine Wheel, I held these two thoughts in my mind:

Today’s Thoughts:

• “Be careful to not interfere, prevent or block anyone’s process and/or choices. Be an “Allower,” someone who allows life to unfold as it should.”

• “Divine chaos comes before divine order … a new form is coming forward.”
  

Acknowledgement of Vulnerability

Today marks thirty-three days since my partner of 16-years announced that she wanted out of the relationship and twenty days since I decided it was time “to intentionally put myself through a process that examines all aspects of who I think I am called to be and who I have been.”

It has been a back and forth journey through the grieving process of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I have experienced and/or participated in every aspect of this process – some with more intensity than others. Where I have stepped over the line – so to speak – I have had the presence of mind and heart to ask for forgiveness.

Where I have felt vindicated that my intuition was correct, I am learning to let go of the need to be victim or to hear an apology from those who would have me think otherwise. The need, to get an apology, has been much easier to get over. The sense of being victimized, betrayed and that my personal space and trust was violated is a much harder deal.

What I do recognize, however, is that this is not a new emotion. Rather it is one that I have learnt since childhood – having being physically (body) and psychologically(mind) abused and mistreated by parent and others alike. This remains, therefore, an area of greatest challenge – the one that my sessions with my psychologist has started to delve into, beginning last week, with an examination of boundaries and what that looks like for me.


Mindfulness

Self- Awareness: Locating Oneself

“Where are you today?”

I received this most timely Wisdom in my mailbox yesterday:

Overcoming attachment does not mean becoming cold and indifferent. On the contrary, it means learning to have relaxed control over our mind through understanding the real causes of happiness and fulfillment, and this enables us to enjoy life more and suffer less. -Kathleen McDonald, "How to Meditate"

It would be disingenuous of me to tell anyone or write that my love for my ex has completely died – even since the day I got confirmation about the telephone calls. That would be a lie.

Have I tried to make unnecessary contact with her? No. Do I check the telephone frequently to see if she called or text messaged? Yes. Would it be one of my greatest joys to have a cup of coffee with her one day soon and have a laugh as we once did? Yes.

Am I learning to detach – without the coldness and indifference and in Love and with gratitude? Yes. Two conversations and several books are guiding me to this place.

One telephone conversation was with a member of this community living in the States, N. Among the many words of wisdom that she shared she reminded me of the importance of self-love, something that can be interpreted by the unwise to the way of Spirit as selfishness. Her words went straight to my heart, confirming the rightness of it. Lesson: Self-Love.

The second conversation was with a woman who herself is experiencing a similar separation. I have not spoken with her in a while and was shocked to learn that she too had attempted suicide not once but at least twice. The second attempt came after realizing how nasty a break-up can really get through the legal action taken against her. I wept at the pain and the deception but more so I wept when this woman told me how powerful a lesson in self-awareness she was learning. Lesson: Self-Awareness.

With these two conversations close to my heart, I went to work and a book came into my awareness. It did not hold any concept I had not heard before, especially during my time as a member of the Universal Center of Truth for Better Living in Jamaica. What this book did was remind me of the Law of the Universe that I had been studiously ignoring. What is so funny (or coincidental?) about this is that the book came to me through an Aboriginal Woman, who also showed me how to expand my use of the Medicine Wheel. The title of the book is “The Law of Attraction,” by Esther and Jerry Hicks.

Making Space

Along with the guidance from other books that I have been digesting in every possible waking moment (including The Heart of the Soul: Emotional Awareness, by Gary Zukav) on Day 20, today, and for however long it takes, my mission is to intentionally and consciously exercise the powers that God have blessed me (and all of us) with.

My first step is to recognize how the Law of Attraction has played out in my life and how I might now intentionally direct what I attract. Already I have some clear insights, most significant of which are:

• “You get what you think about, whether you want it or not”: As I might have mentioned before, we have been discussing some type of separation or time-out on and off for years now. Further, one of my posts in September, Finding Home Anywhere, made mention of the fact that I felt my partner might find what I called “playmates.” Undeniable Truth: I/We have been thinking about separating – whether we actually wanted it or not.


• “To have positive change in your experience, you must disregard how things are – as well as how others are seeing you – and give more attention to the way you prefer things to be”: The expansion of the Medicine Wheel to incorporate my intentions for my Physical, Emotional, Mental and Spiritual life is my constant reminder of this truism. I am actively changing the way or re-framing how I experience and the thoughts and reactions I have to what has occurred in my life overall but especially in the last month or so. Okay, so she abruptly ended the relationship. Okay, so a third party was somehow involved. Okay, so you are still feeling emotional and physical pain about the no-contact order and the coldness that has replaced the warmth of your friendship. What is the Undeniable Truth: By staying focused and giving only what I truly want to experience, which is Love, all things will work together for good and I will create a wonderful life filled with all the people, experiences and things I desire and deserve.


• “Allowing is maintaining your own balance, your own joy, no matter what others are doing…as you remain in balance, connected to your own Inner Being…and hold them [others] as your object of attention (Love) they benefit.”: M in Ontario was the first to say this to me explicitly and then she followed up with an email about blessings others as they make their choices and as you pass them on the way. Her words confirmed for me what I was already trying to do but it also pushed me into seriously thinking about and acting on ‘allowing’ my ex her choice. This was hard, as I thought I could see (the sage that I am, ha-ha) all the errors in her choice (or at least the way she was going about it) and knew the sad details about the seeming main influence in her life. As this brick hit me in the head from this book, I knew what must be done. And that is where the Wisdom from Kathleen McDonald helped me out. Undeniable Truth: I can and must allow everyone, especially the ones I love to my core, to make their own choices, to follow their own paths. Doing so does not require me to be cold and indifferent – which are negative emotions and will only attract more negativity into my experience. In fact, the opposite is true – as an Allower, I “feel joy as [I] observe the experience of all.

Final Words

My dear friend Anne sums this up the best. She said to me last evening, “You do not have to give up hope; you just have to live fully in the present moment.”

What wisdom!

And so, twenty days anon and I am living in hope – that all is well and well indeed in my world, life and affairs and in that of my daughter and the woman with whom I journeyed for 16 years.

Yet, I am learning to fully live in the NOW – acknowledging what it is and intentionally creating what I want – Love, Harmony, Cooperation, Sharing and a Reverence for Life – all the ingredients for what Gary Zukav calls: Authentic Power. That has long been what my journey is about - to come into my authentic power - and it continues now even more consciously.

Until next post…

Blessings,

Claudette