Wilderness Journal: Day 21

From the Center

Introduction
Day 1
Day 2
Day 3
Day 4
Day 12
Day 15
Day 20


It was my thought that I would not post another entry until probably Day 30 or something…but fate had a different opinion.

For the past couple of nights, I have managed to get around seven hours of sleep, disturbed, but nevertheless more than I have been having. Last night was different, however, going back to the usual 4-5 hours and waking up at 3:00 a.m.

Instead of cursing the stars, I decided to enter the Medicine Wheel and contemplate my dream journal – as it was a dream that woke me up and so I whipped out my Dream Book and a highlighter, prayed and asked for Wisdom. Other than that, there were no special thoughts in my mind.

Acknowledgement of Vulnerability

My reason for doing this - reviewing my dream journal - had a lot to do with a telephone ‘conversation' the evening before. Yes, although I wrote a few hours earlier that I was not making unnecessary telephone calls to my ex – and I believe I was not – a sudden urge, an overwhelming feeling came over me about 5:30p.m., that something other than the obvious was wrong with her.

So I called – as this is what we did for 16 years whenever one of us had a sense that something was off with the other – just to check. All I need to say is that the response to my concern was cold and indifferent. And that’s okay. I would later say to someone that I really do not know how not to be her friend and that is the hardest part of this situation.

This must have followed me into my dream world and thus my waking up so early and troubled. As I reviewed my Dream Journal and some of the interpretations I wrote, as I checked the ones that I did not interpret and as I cross-checked the dreams with my recollection of stories I was told and the telephone log – I realized that all along my spirit was trying to clue me in to what was occurring in my life. I was not paying attention.

There were symbols after symbols, which basically was pointing to upheaval, major change, nervous breakdown, false friends, gossip, need to review past history, etc. Clearly, I was not following my intuition and then it came in dreams. What was spooky was that when I cross- checked the dreams, in particular the one that symbolized false friends and gossip – they coincidence with certain events. One example was the evening we had our 'friend' over for supper and she stayed overnight. The next morning I recorded a dream about serpents.

Mindfulness

Self- Awareness: Locating Oneself

“Where are you today?”

Holding this information from my dream world in one hand, I proceeded to check myself, check-in with my Spirit as to what I was feeling and what it meant.

Surprisingly, I was not angry. Instead, I found myself praying even more intently for Love to take me over – to fill me up so much that it leaks through every pore of my skin touching everyone I meet and had any contact with.

With this intention, I left for church. It was to be a special service and I, along with several others, was participating in a dramatization of Ruth 1: 1-18. I was nervous about this, ever since I realised that this was a passage that holds so much relevance to me – prior to now – but even more so now.

Nevertheless, I packed my ‘costume’ and left.

Walking the Curve

Just a sidebar here: the woman who I mentioned in yesterday’s post who is in a similar situation as I am, albeit her relationship lasted for six years, turned up at my church this morning. I invited her to sit with me and as she did I noticed the still fresh scars from her – not second – but third suicide attempt. That was my first almost-meltdown.

My nervousness about the dramatization took over quick enough, however, preventing me from completely losing it seeing her scars. The terror that I was feeling about doing this part was that I was to do the role of Ruth – the daughter-in-law who refused to leave her mother-in-law’s side.

As I changed into my costume, I breathed and prayed that the Divine would take me over, allowed whatever I needed to express to come through and to bless me.

She did.

Though we had discussed what we would do, the group of us had not really rehearsed – we were basically all playing it by ear. Most people had memorized their lines – which were quite few – but I had not, as I could hardly stand to read the text sent to me. It was too real.

A man with a big, strong voice was doing the narrating and as he said the part where the woman’s (Naomi's) sons had also died, soon after her husband, I heard myself loudly wailing. My Jamaican friends will understand the kind of wailing I am talking about - where you hold your belly and cry.

Then came the part that I most dreaded – as I did not know what would happen. Would I stiffen? Would I be relaxed and just act? Could I make it through the lines?

Orpah (who the story goes Oprah Winfrey was incorrectly named after her) decided to take her mother-in-law’s advice and return to her people. Ruth however refused to do any such thing. Naomi, the mother-in-law, chastised her saying, “See, your sister-in-law has gone back to her people and to her gods; return after your sister-in-law.”

This was truly an out of body experience for me as I can clearly tell you that I saw myself, at first, literally clinging to the arms of the woman playing the part of Naomi. Then all I knew I was on the floor hanging onto her saying – something like this as I had not memorized the lines:
“Don’t ask me to leave you…don’t! Stop telling me to stop following you. Where you go, I will go; where you lodge, I will lodge. Your people shall be my people and your God my God.”

By this time I am weeping, really, but knew there were more lines to say but could not remember them. So I got myself together, pulled out the bit of paper with the lines from under my shawl and tearfully read the rest:
“May God do thus and more to me as well, if even death parts me from you!”

Naomi reached down and gently guided me up from the floor and we left the hall on our way to Judah.

Final Words

After the service, it felt like everyone came to tell me what a great performance that was. Some said there was not a dry eye in the room. I do not know if that was the case – I was busy in the back lounge drying my own eyes to return to the service.

The truth is - I was not acting. That was the vow we made on our tenth anniversary. That was the vow I made when my partner wanted to come to Canada. That was the vow I renewed, year after year - Just Because.

In her reflection, the minister used a term which sums up what this text and being a part of the dramatization and more specifically doing the part of Ruth meant to me. She referred to it as “walking the curves of your heart.”

I am walking the curves of my heart, each time I think about the past 16 years – the challenges, the ‘triumphs’, the blessings, the moments of forgiveness, the moments of Grace, the moments of intense pain and the moments of pure joy and unconditional love that Juds and I shared.

I am walking the curves of my heart, each time I think about and see evidence of continuing lies, the manipulation of others in order to control and deceive, attempted suicide, legal maneuverings based on falsehood and an inability to forgive due to bitterness and fear.

I am walking the curves of my heart, each time I speak to my daughter and memories of times past come into our conversation and the unasked questions uncomfortably gets alluded to – “Did she love me really or was that a pretense too?”

I am walking the curves of my heart each time I think how the past – childhood lessons – have affected not only me but all the people who are somehow involved in this stage of the drama. Past histories and lessons that are at various stages of healing or not even known as some are too afraid to look in the mirror.

I am walking the curves of my heart each time I think about Juds, speak with her or dream about her and know that all I want to do is to give her back what she taught me – unconditional love – but unable to seemingly due to fear.

I am walking the curves of my heart as I know that that is what Love does and that is all I can do - just love, just because.

I needed to share this and now I will get some rest for the remainder of the journey.


Blessings,

Claudette